Questions to Ask Your Spouse
40 questions for people who already know the answers to the easy ones.
40 questions · Free
What do you need from me at the moment that you have not asked for?
One phone between the two of you — the card says whose turn it is.
About Questions to Ask Your Spouse
Questions to ask your spouse have to clear a higher bar than questions for a new couple. You already know where they grew up and what they order. What you may not know is what they have quietly given up on, what they need from you at the moment, or how they would describe this stage of your life if nobody was listening. These 40 questions are written for exactly that gap.
Sample questions to get you started
- 1What do you need from me at the moment that you have not asked for?
- 2What has changed about you in the last five years that I might not have noticed?
- 3What do you miss about an earlier stage of our marriage?
- 4What is better now than it was then?
- 5What do you think I have got better at?
- 6What do you think I have stopped doing?
- 7What is something you have quietly given up on?
- 8What is something you have quietly started hoping for?
- 9When did you last feel genuinely looked after by me?
- 10When did you last feel alone in this marriage?
Show all 40 questions
- 11What do you think our children, or the people around us, learn from watching us?
- 12What do you want the next ten years to be about?
- 13What are you afraid the next ten years will be about?
- 14What would you change about how we spend an ordinary week?
- 15What is the argument we keep having, and what is it really about?
- 16What is something I do that hurts more than I realise?
- 17What is something I do that helps more than I realise?
- 18How do you want to be treated when you are struggling?
- 19What do you find hardest to say to me now that you could say easily once?
- 20What do you think I am avoiding?
- 21What is something you have forgiven me for without ever mentioning it?
- 22What is something you have not forgiven me for?
- 23What do you want to do before we are too old for it?
- 24What do you want us to have stopped worrying about in five years?
- 25What is something about your own life you want to change?
- 26How can I be useful in that?
- 27What is the best thing about being married to me?
- 28What is the hardest thing about being married to me?
- 29What have you sacrificed that I have never acknowledged?
- 30What is a version of our life you sometimes think about?
- 31Do you feel like we are on the same side at the moment?
- 32What would make you feel more like a team?
- 33What are you proud of that we have built?
- 34What are you disappointed about that we have not?
- 35What would you want me to do differently tomorrow?
- 36What do you need more of, and what do you need less of?
- 37What do you want to say yes to this year?
- 38What do you want to say no to?
- 39What do you hope I know about how you feel about me?
- 40What have you not told me that you would like to tell me now?
Tap the game above to play through all prompts.
How to play Questions to Ask Your Spouse
- Pick an evening with no deadline. This deck does not work in twenty minutes.
- Answer first when you ask — going second is easier and it changes what your partner says.
- One follow-up per question, and make it "say more" rather than a new question.
- Skip nothing without saying why you are skipping it.
- Ten questions is a good night. There is no prize for finishing.
Why couples love this game
Marriages do not usually go quiet because something is wrong — they go quiet because the questions stop. You know each other well enough that asking feels unnecessary, and then five years pass and the person you are answering for has changed. Asking on purpose, occasionally, is the cheapest maintenance there is.
Tips to make it more fun
- Do not schedule this after a difficult week. It needs a neutral evening.
- The questions about needs are the useful ones — do not rush past them to the nice ones.
- Note anything that surprises you and bring it up again a fortnight later.
- Make it a habit — twice a year is enough to keep the picture current.
- Answer as you are now, not as you were when you got married.
Frequently asked questions
What are good questions to ask your spouse?
Ones that assume the basics are known. Asking a spouse of ten years about their favourite film is a waste of a question; asking what they have quietly given up on is not. This deck skips the introductory tier entirely.
How often should married couples do this?
Twice a year is enough to keep the picture current. The point is to catch changes while they are still small, which does not require doing it constantly.
What if an answer upsets me?
Say so plainly and stay in the conversation. Answers that are uncomfortable are usually the ones worth having asked for — the deck is only useful if honest answers are safe to give.
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The Relationship Questions Game
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