36 Questions to Fall in Love
The famous escalating set, in the order that makes it work.
36 questions · Free
If you could invite anyone in the world to dinner, who would it be?
One phone between the two of you — the card says whose turn it is.
About 36 Questions to Fall in Love
The 36 questions to fall in love come from Arthur Aron's research on accelerating closeness between strangers, and they became famous because they work on people who already know each other too. What makes them work is the escalation: each question asks slightly more than the last, so nobody is ever exposed alone.
Sample questions to get you started
- 1If you could invite anyone in the world to dinner, who would it be?
- 2Would you like to be famous, and in what way?
- 3Before making a phone call, do you ever rehearse what you will say?
- 4What would a perfect day look like for you?
- 5When did you last sing to yourself?
- 6If you could live to ninety with the mind or body of a thirty-year-old, which would you choose?
- 7Do you have a secret feeling about how you will die?
- 8Name three things we appear to have in common.
- 9What are you most grateful for in your life?
- 10If you could change one thing about how you were raised, what would it be?
Show all 36 questions
- 11Take four minutes and tell me your life story in as much detail as possible.
- 12If you could wake up tomorrow with one new quality or ability, what would it be?
- 13If a crystal ball could tell you one truth about yourself, what would you want to know?
- 14Is there something you have dreamed of doing for a long time? Why have you not done it?
- 15What is the greatest accomplishment of your life?
- 16What do you value most in a friendship?
- 17What is your most treasured memory?
- 18What is your most terrible memory?
- 19If you knew you would die suddenly in a year, would you change anything?
- 20What does friendship mean to you?
- 21What roles do love and affection play in your life?
- 22Take turns sharing something you consider a positive characteristic of the other. Five things each.
- 23How close and warm is your family? Was your childhood happier than most?
- 24How do you feel about your relationship with your mother?
- 25Make three true "we" statements each. For instance, "we are both in this room feeling…"
- 26Complete this sentence: I wish I had someone with whom I could share…
- 27If we were going to become close friends, what would be important for me to know?
- 28Tell me what you like about me — be honest, and say things you might not say to someone you had just met.
- 29Share an embarrassing moment from your life.
- 30When did you last cry in front of another person? On your own?
- 31Tell me something you like about me already.
- 32What, if anything, is too serious to be joked about?
- 33If you were to die this evening with no chance to communicate with anyone, what would you most regret not having told someone? Why have you not told them yet?
- 34Your house catches fire. After saving everyone you love, you have time for one last item. What is it and why?
- 35Of all the people in your family, whose death would you find most disturbing? Why?
- 36Share a personal problem and ask your partner how they would handle it. Then ask them to reflect back how you seem to be feeling about it.
Tap the game above to play through all prompts.
How to play 36 Questions to Fall in Love
- Play strictly in order. Both of you answer every question.
- Whoever asks answers second.
- Do not skip ahead, even if a later question looks more interesting.
- Finish with four minutes of silent eye contact, as the original study did.
Why couples love this game
The mechanism is reciprocal self-disclosure. You go one step further, so your partner does, and the step is always small enough to take. Skipping ahead breaks it — which is why the order matters far more than any individual question on the list.
Tips to make it more fun
- Set aside a real block of time — this is not a twenty-minute deck.
- No interrupting an answer, ever.
- The four minutes of eye contact at the end is the part everyone skips and the part that does the most.
- It works on couples of fifteen years, not just strangers.
Frequently asked questions
Do the 36 questions actually work?
The research they come from found that reciprocal, escalating self-disclosure reliably increases closeness between strangers. Whether that constitutes falling in love is a separate question, but the escalation effect itself is well established.
Can couples who are already together use them?
Yes, and they hold up well. Long-term couples usually find the middle section — the questions about memories and regrets — turns up things fifteen years of ordinary conversation did not.
What is the four minutes of eye contact for?
It was part of the original procedure and it is the step everybody skips. It is also the one people report as having the strongest effect, so it is worth not skipping.
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